| Who Cares? |
[16 Jun 2006|03:51pm] |
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mood |
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 lonely |
] |
For those of you who stay in tact with this shit, due to the fact i hate myspace even tho i use it all the time, i refuse to "blog" on that shit, and will stick to here, even tho this way, no one will find out the shit that i wish them to know...
but whutever, here it all comes and shit.
So Kyle is outtie on the 26th, and me, ive no where to truly go. i will stay here, in fact, for a while, a week if not more than that, by staying with homies, or on benches or wtfever, i dont care, ill find something. My main problem is not h aving food money. i can quit smoking cigs and weed an stop doing drugs, but with zero money, how the FUCK am i supposed to eat. So if any of you crazy people have any ideas for jobs or some shit, hit me up because im hopeless right now.
I will be forced to go back to kansas if i have not found a place to stay by like... halfway thru june, cuz fuck that... ill just leave when jenny goes to AZ.... so that she won't be as sad when she gets back, that and so i dont feel so bad for just up and leaving her.
I feel terrible about leaving everyone and everything behind, but i look back at shit, and i fucking realize that's i dont fucking have shit. Sure, people know me, and sure, ive affected some lives so crucially that people will never forget me... but i still see myself as the nerdy little goth kid in the corner, doing my own little thing, being invisable, no one really knows or cares im here, people don't listen to me when i talk, im just another imaginary ghost in this shitty little world.
So whut do i do when im totally lost? I write in my little fucking online journal that'll never see the light of day, stormy and rockke may perhaps read it, but no one else will, and once they do, they'll act like they care, and act like they remember me.... but the next time i ask them for a favor, or the next time i try to contact them i am ignored...... so i finally see how it is. The people that so called "care" for me are all just fronting, and it sucks for me because it's taken me this long to even notice that all my so called friends...... dont even fucking like me, they just pretend to like me because it's entertains them or something to that affect.
i may be rambling now.. .but i guess im just trying to get a lot of shit off my chest, i just want something solid, ya know, and i dont want to have to move halfway across the country just to find a good situation... because i know if i go to kansas ill kill myself faster than if i stay here and do drugs.
so to end this little rant... i will say this: I need a job, I need a place to stay, and I need some reliable people that won't just try to use me. And with that said, I'll sign off, the thoughts in my head infinite, and wondering.... just how could I have allowed myself to fall so fucking far. Am I truly that stupid and useless that I allowed everything I had turn to absolute shit? And then the answer comes to me: YES YOU STUPID PEICE OF SHIT, YOU ALLOWED ALL OF THIS TO HAPPEN YOURSELF!!!!!
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| another peice of shit |
[23 May 2006|10:45pm] |
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so the girl i may love may have gotten into even more trouble. and to top that off, i may have the bacon searching for my ass again. and to even put some icing on that shit... ive got no place to really go. whutev... someone hit me up, assholes. peace.
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| Fucked!! |
[23 May 2006|01:26pm] |
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mood |
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 strange |
] |
so now the situation has arisen that i am fucked. lost "my" female... more or less i suppose, because she has been not contacting me, so i believe she's just hanging out with the other people... which means that i am finished with oregon now, nothing could possibly keep me here, unless jew some how ends up in that cash. im giving it probably like two or three more weeks... and then im going to one of three or four places.. who knows. im outta this bitch tho, mutha fuckas cuz im fuckin' bored as fuck! peezy, bitches.
~Malikai.
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| FUUUUCK |
[21 May 2006|08:38am] |
stupid shit, everything sucks. jeeny's most likely gone, unless that hoe gets tested. dun wanna catch nothin' from that nasty fuck she boned tonight. well... yeah, great party i ended up at, fuckin' get invited to just like sit around (Ialcohol and shit was free, so its all good) but after a while, it was just sitting around watching jenny come back out of the room, thaen right back into it..... fuck that, peaced out with defran and shit... now im here, bored out of my ass with no drugs..... til noon, apparently. someone should fuckin' hit me up, 503-367-1362. so who knows whut the fuck is gonna happen or go down, all i know is that the only female ive cared for in nearly two years... is now like fuckin' dry sand in the fuckin' hard wind... im out, to try and be like.... happy kind of.... peezy.
~Malikai.
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[11 May 2006|01:56am] |
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mood |
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lost........ |
] |
my cell got turned off. i have no home. i have no money. i have no drugs. wow. could this situation get any worse is how i keep seeing it... and it keeps just getting worse and worse. there is not a single fucking thing i can think of that could help out my situation right now................ FUCK!!!
..........im at the end of my rope.
peace.
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| being without home is gay |
[05 May 2006|03:10am] |
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so yeah.... have to find a way to go to cali now, with five oh coming after me, it's getting a little hot up here... so i needa peace out........ later
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[03 May 2006|08:29pm] |
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aight, so for those who dunno, im out on my own, couch surfing night to night in different homes. Kicked it with friends, had some parties and shit. everythings mostly good, cept for one hugely amazing problem... but no one uses lj no more, so.... whutev... peace
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| I Now Fear The End Is Near |
[24 Apr 2006|02:22am] |
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mood |
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depressed |
] |
I finally broke down. It took so many years, and not even the emotional destruction of the loss of Kassi brought something like this. For the first time in over 5 years I did one thing, and another I have not done in over a year and a half, and it all sheltered again today.
I would like to start at the beginning.... to put everyone back on track. Last thursday, not the nineteenth, but the week before that, i randomly decided to go kick it with my homie john with kyle, sarah and leslie.... well we went there and kicked it there that night, dropped some pills. Well, i dropped two that night, the next night, and i dropped two saturday night, and one at eight am easter morning... monday i felt like i was in a marshmellow when i woke up. Well, i days passed, shit went by as it does over there, and this weekend, a lot of other shit happened. four twenty, nothing too special, got a pure yellow pill and it was great, dropped a green one, too. The next time, jew and petey came out from sherwood, and we went downtown, everyone dropped except defran... and.... well i dropped once we got downtown, about nine thirty that night. We went back to johns, and now sarah (even tho i had sex with her the previous friday, sunday and monday) was swinging from lucas' nuts and trying to get with him. Well.... things went from A to B, and the next morning... Michelle's dad, who is this huge biker gang dude wakes my ass up to tell me not to sell any drugs to his daughter again or he'd kill me. straight up? I aint skurred of no biker bitch, dads a nam vet, and moms full blooded irish, you do the math mutha fucka! but yeah... left there and kicked it over to jews last night. and the plan from there was to get hammered and call jenny over, sarah and luke were still with us and shit. Well, jenny rolled up and shit, and the norm happened, and i poked her for like an hour or whutever. I passed out like right after and shit.
Well i woke up this morning, and like... jew was dogging on jenny (who was his fuck buddy before mine in case you didnt know this) and well, he was saying she's a slut, because she had sex with me in front of three other people. i contradicted him, and just... whutever, kicked it til like eleven. i was bored as fuck, so i left.... i went over the fence and laid down in the field of conestoga middle skool. Within minutes, i was crying.
for the first time in fucking six years, besides when i was with kassi.... tears finally flooded my eyes. for the first fucking time in years, something had finally snapped inside of me, and i could no longer control myself. i wanted to give up, i wanted to give jew his money back and just stop selling... i wanted to die.... i just wanted to have some type or normality to life......... but its so too late for that.
While sitting there for an hour, thinking, re-thinking, and pondering, my eyes filled and my heart bled, and my thoughts never stopped. There was nothing that i could do to stop myself, and i didn't even try this time. i just let it go. For over an hour, i cried off an on... about nothing. i still want to quit, i still want to give jew his money, and i still want to be dead. like i said last time, i still think that this is close to as far as i got... i wasnt even on E today and i ran into deja vu so hardcore that i called it as it was happening... and in my belief, deja vu is just you living your life again, and making the same mistakes..
sarah called me... strangly, and invited me over, because she was bored... i decided to go over there, because i had nothing to do, and i was sick of crying, and just wanted to be near or with someone, even if that someone totally fucked with my hear previously. Anyway. on my way to sarah's... bobby called me... and i was still freaking out so much, that all i could get out really is I'm Depressed, I can't really do that right now, homie...... and when i went to say peace, i nearly broke into tears, again. I began to cry randomly two or three times on my twenty minute walk to sarahs... .i got there and started talking to her... and she has no clue... i need kassi, because she would possibly understand whut is going on. maybe. who fucking know, she's knows me so well, and yet... i don't even know myself.
this day has gone from worse to even worse. While in the field before going to sarahs, i used the serrated edge on my knife to slice my arm a little bit, but it didn't do anything really, and when i did try to put a gash in.... the blade was too dull. ::Sigh.:: so now i am at docs, because i had no place to fucking go tonight... so yeah........ im fucked. nowhere to live tomarrow, and im nearly out of money...... and i just want to fucking give up, dog!
i know this isnt the E come down, because i know the E come down... this is my mind, and myself... and i just want to fucking have something happen!!! Im just so sick of fucking everything, all the unreliable people, all the immature queers, all the fucking douche bag people that piss me off... i want to be done with it, i dont want to have to fucking do all this crap just to fucking survive. But if i kill myself... then i will just fucking come back and have to do it all over again, but who knows, maybe i will do great.... i think that's all i really needed to say.
I'm depressed, sitting at docs, no weed, no pills, almost no money... and asley wants me to go to cali with her when she leaves...... so i gotta think about it, ya know? And try to figure shit out. im still sad as hell for some reason. So im outtie, peace!
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| oh... my... god... |
[09 Apr 2006|06:02pm] |
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life aint funny when you aint got no money, and the clock strikes four twenty and your wanna get high... that aint a problem right now, but finding a place to live kind of is. i can sort of pay people to allow me to stay there a couple days, but not really, and mostly only in pot. so anyone out there gimme a holler because this juggalo ninja has lost his way and needs a place to stay. another thing, drugs have been flowing through my veins like tap water, yo, so i need toquit the xtc for at least a week or three.. so... yeah people, someone hit me up, i know no one reads this shit ever.. because its stupid and everyone loves myspace and shit, so whutev, i guess im going to go kick it somewhere somehow tonight, and if not... ill sleep outside or something, who cares or knows. anything else new? not really... miss fun, miss kass, miss my mind, miss my mom, miss the old life.
..... the only way i know to go back is to die. that is the only way i can think of to re-do things... but that's stupid and i don't want death... yet.... i have this feeling this is as far as i got last time, too.
i have some really strange marks on my back and shit... not sure whut they are from... ill give it a couple weeks and see....
things could be much worse than i ever anticipated... so guys, i really hope that nothing horrible happens soon, because i dont know whut could happen. i gotta go tho, i feel sick as fuck, and i need to get out of docs house.... guess ill go like..... walk around....
...................i hope i find a place to stay, because i know ill take more pills....
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| fuckin' who knows. |
[26 Mar 2006|10:57pm] |
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mood |
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 fuck you!!! |
] |
so like... shit has been pretty weird and fucked lately, i went from a zip and twenty pills so like... a half and zerro bombers.... so who really fuckin' knows whut's happening. im waiting right now for a job, and if i get it, skool can fuck the fuck off and this whole like... being without anything situation, will change. a job is whut i want and need right the fuck now, and if i had one, id be in the hella green for a long fuckin' time. im out of bud right now mutha fucka's... and like, that's no fucking good, man!
Besides all of the above, i dropped a half pill on wednesday and fucked this bitch named jenny for like two hours straight... and when i say straight , i mean without cumming at all... whutev.... and the next day i dropped another half tab and fucked her for lik... and hour or more... my entire body hurts today... and now i found out my dealer is too drunk to drive over here... so i am fucked... so things keep going from horrible to even worse... great, so now im here, with no pot, no E, and no anything except one fucking cigarette.......... FUCK!
::Just screams.::
I'm outta here, cuz this is gay and im bored out of my mind... peace you fuckin' pieces of shit....
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[26 Mar 2006|03:18pm] |
everythings gone down the shitter, im like addicted to E, im running out of money, and no one calls me for anything anymore.... and to top it off, ashley is moving back to cali, which means that im fucked.
im really about to peace out, and i know this gets out to no one that even knows me, but whutever, peace you fucks... i want E....
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| break it down |
[21 Mar 2006|11:11am] |
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mood |
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non-existant |
] |
so here we go. Over the past few weeks, shit has happened, for and not. been chased by the cops, nearly arrested (woulda been 5-10, easy!) uh... realized doc is more of a retard then previously thought, due to the fact that he had a huge E party at his house, and everyone, every single person besides me, him, whomp and Kassi's boy toy for now were under age, and it was some bullshit. There should never be that many drunk people under the age of 15 in some one's house, and to tell the truth, the only reason the cops weren't called, was because Kassi was there.
Now, the downer side? Kassi is going to go live with doc.... i give it two to three days before she finally sees him for who he is and just leaves... because she has a lot shorter fuse than i do, and i could only stand him for so long. But that's not the point, the point is that im fucked... now and forever for things i do not want to go into right about now, lets just say i had a very strange inner monologue with myself this morning on the way to skool and realized that there was a lot of shit that i had been fucking up on, and that i was abusing things that should not be abused; like my abilities. ha, already too much power for my body, and now i work when on E. ::Laughs...:: Well, im outtie, cuz ive got shit to do before my reading final, peace mutha fackos.... who don't exist....
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| so fuckin' bored! |
[17 Mar 2006|12:24am] |
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mood |
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FOOK OOF! |
] |
so im like sitting here with jew and its like twelve thirty at night, and were watching the fresh prince of bel air, and weve got nothing to fucking do. ive been tring to get X for like a week straight now, and everything keeps bailing on me... good thing im not a fuckin tweaker or id be done and freakin by now, but... im just pissed, because i wanted to have a cool fucking weekend, or at least some fuckin' fun or some shit, because sitting around at kyles doing nothing is so fucking boring imma bout to go outta my fuckin' mind! Peace you fucks, with your cars, and your lives and your fun!
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[14 Mar 2006|08:46am] |
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btw, maggie's out of the picture relationship wise, I double teamed a bitch about a week ago (I got it in her butt, yea-yeah!) uh.... did a lot of random bullshit, found some killa chronic in portland... yeah, there's the less depressing update shit, got Def Jam 2, SSBM and a Game Cube.... and a wave bird... yeah.... peace bitches!
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[14 Mar 2006|08:41am] |
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mood |
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sad |
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im at skool... i just failed a math test no doubt about it, i knew the answer to one of the questions... fucking graphs. So im going to be shit out of luck, because im going to fail probably three of my four classes ::Laughs.:: Plus i owe money, plus im basically just fucked. At least im sellin' lots 'o chronic... and, well, who knows whut else could start to happen. I caused two separate things last night, and im sure they are yet to happen and shit, but who really knows? Ya know?
We are all going to drop X and go see V for Vendetta on fucking friday at the Imax theatre, gonna hit up the earth quake room, then hit up the laser light show, then go see V for Vendetta, which'll be fresh as hell.
Kay, I know that we talked about the X thing, and I know the hazards of doing it, which are a lot more then pot, which is why i do not drop it very often.. but it's fun, and it makes things more interesting, plus it makes girls take their clothing off.... .::Sigh.:: Plus life is sad right now, the depression floods, but no one sees, and no one knows... it's great. finally being somewhere where people dont ask me questions, so even tho im depressed, im fine with it, because some jerk isnt there to make it worse. well imma go smoke a bowl in the woods now, peace kiddies!!
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| FUCKING BORED! |
[13 Mar 2006|12:00am] |
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mood |
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annoyed |
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So my trail of X every saturday ended, due to the fact i had no money or anything last night. And now im sitting here, waiting for someone to buy some fucking chronic so i can have some extra cash.... you think you know bored? I wanted to do X this weekend, and now im stuck in a house where i cant be loud, i cant smoke inside, and i have to be careful when i smoke weed. its gay, someone help me, call me hang out smoke bud fuck hoes... peace.
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| uuuh...... fuck. |
[26 Feb 2006|10:18pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
] |
So like... I "moved" out of doc's. Started to at least. Moved in a couple blocks away with Jew. His mom's down, so it's all good. Everything should be good til we move the fuck out this piece. uh... not much to say now... need pot... peace.
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| shit. |
[23 Feb 2006|09:19am] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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so like... i did a lot over the past week, sure just X and pot, but a lot of X, and im not sure if its the come down of the X or if I truly do just want to give up, its hard to tell. Every morning when i get out of bed and get n the bus to skool, i feel so tired, so used up and it just doesnt feel right and shit, ya know? I'm not sure whut is going on, but im trying to figure it out and shit, because being lost in my own world is fucking with me harder then anything ever. Not having friends around isnt really helping either. Its hard, though, for non-existant friends to be around, and very few people are friends of mine. Sure, i meet and see a shit load of people every single day, for obvious reasons, but it doesnt mean that theyre my friends. Jew is a friend, whomp is a friend... but docs just turned into a child. An annoyance that is just there that i feel i have to fucking take care of all the time, stupid smartass bitch, always being a douche, even about the smallest shit, man. "Can i have a drink of your bookoo" "no, it's almost gone" ":whispers under his breath cuz he's a child: well fuck you too" whut the hell is that shit, dude? When did i become required to give someone stuff? I mean, fuckin' A, i give this mother fucker everything and he never fucking appreciates it.... so fuck him.
I'ma go work at jiffy lube again, and if not there, then probably at like subway or something, because i need some more money. since my dad is an idiot, and doesnt think he has to pay child support, im out nearly 2000 bucks right now and it's driving me crazy... because my dads a douche. Now if i had a job, id have my 800+ + job money. I could use the eight hundred for rent, utilities, food, ext. and then i could use the job money for all the other shit, weed, pills, more food, fun shit... ya know?
So I'm probably not moving to Garden Home, mainly because i found another apartment for cheaper that is out in aloha. Aloha is far from jason and just about everybody, but... maggi is out there, and she has hella people.... plus if you've talked to me, you know im like... in love with maggi right now, and id do anything for her (insert kassi flashback..... here). To go into detail, she's 5'1 1/4, like 95 pounds, blonde hair about the length of mine, but more staight, bright blue eyes, and the cutest smile ever, yo! ^_^ Plus she's violent, she's a boxer, and she's got a helluva right jab. haha. People keep saying we look good together, and it actually embarasses me, because she's the first girl ive actually wanted a relationship with since kassi and i split up. Hunter was just for trim... as were a few other people (obvious, here, of course) but.. yeah. She's got a perfect rack, about 34 C or something to that affect, nice amount of muscle, no fat.... pretty damn nice tight little body, man.... but.... yeah.
So Eddie is back in Cali, and noz is never gonna get up here cuz he's a bitch. Next month, I'm gonna do a lot of shit to fuck my life, and hopefully... everything will work out for the better. I need to call my mom so i can sue my dad so i can get my fuckin' money, so i can move out, get a liscense and get a fuckin' car, because im sick of not being able to deliver or pick shit up that's further away then a fuckin' mile. Where to go from here?
Maggi maggi maggi. Lost. There's so much i would do... if just given the chance. I asked her out to dinner on tuesday while i was rollin'... she denied me dinner... because it's awkward for her (jew explained it), so i asked if she wanted to go to mcdonald's.... but she wasn't down. ::Sigh.:: How the hell am i supposed to let this girl know i like her if she like... is never alone with me? Who fuckin' knows... all i can figure out is that my life isbecoming more and more fucked as the days go by, man, it's not even weeks or months or years now... it's days. Things are becoming more and more complicated all the time, and im wanting to get out of the house every night, due to the sickness of the Doc. Juggamo turned into the biggest cock blocker, and whomp is becoming disrespectful. ::Another sigh.:: I can no longer count on fucking anyone. Kassi, you have a job, dude, but you're going to go to australia with your paycheck... i need someone to move in with... by the start of the month if possible... i need a roommate by the end of march at the latest. i want to have everything in a new apartment when the next fucking term of pcc starts, im not spending another two fucking months there, i cannot stand it...
I want things to level up, haven't i had enough experiance to reach the next level in this game called life? A level where i can actually feel people and have them feel me without being fake, a level where people will respect me like they should, and on their own, not because i intimidate and scare them. A level where i do not have to freak out every morning about passing skool. where i don't have to worry about living with chris. Where i don't have to worry about the bad things that could happen to me.... i want a level where i can be fucking free for once in my goddamn life!
I want balls. I realize that i have almost no balls, because i rarely say or do the things i want to say or do unless i think that they will work... if there's some doubt, i normally won't do it..... i need to get alone with maggi... so i can ask her out... because seeing her every day, and knowing she is not mine, is driving me crazy. Plus there's no fuckin' way she will be single for long... she's too awesome.... goddamn it... So i dunno anymore... whut to do or say or how to react. I keep letting life live me... i need to switch it up a little... peace guys. Hope i don't do some really fucked up shit...
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[21 Feb 2006|12:20pm] |
aight, so this entry is probably going to gt my ass kicked by multiple people.
My weekend was great. I was thinking about it all day thusday before it started. I moved from skool to the bank, and from there I went directly home. I made a few phone calls, and waited for maggi to come oer. When she got there, I asked her if she would do X with me, and after we smoked a shit load of bud, we went on the adventure to grab up some X. Long story short, we got eight pills for sixtuy bucks (I paid for all of it) and went back to my place. I took a pill, doc took a pill maggi took a pill rachelle took a pill kyle took a pill and whomp took two pills. I railed half a pill of maggi's stomach and rachelle did one off her tit. About 2 hours late,r I got a blue dolphin doulbe stack, the others were white smiley's, single stack. Well, I railed h alf the pill and gave the other half to fuckin' whomp... and we rolled all night. I spent six hours straight holding and like... hugging maggi and shit on the couch, it was great. Friday, maggi, kyle, rachelle and preston came over, and we smoked hella before preston broke up the X and got everyone fucked up, except me, but he shared half a pill with me later that night. We put some X into a joint and smoked it...
Saturday nothing big happened, I was still rollin', bu I just stayed home and smoked bowls. Same with sunday. Monday, maggi preston and rachelle all got there pretty early, and maggi ws feeling like fuckin' shit cuz of the X, and she puked for like ovr an hour... I sat there and held her hair and gave her ice, etc... smoked some more bowls, bought a blue louie vaton, and a green motorolla, and I'm saving one of them and taking one after skool today... so yeah... Ecstacy rocks hardcore juggalo socks... and peace mutha fuckas!
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| fuck this happy v day bullshit! |
[14 Feb 2006|10:26pm] |
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mood |
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FUCKIN' PISSED, BITCH!!!!!!!!! |
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Man, fuck this wannabe holiday, it does nothing but make everyone feel like fuckin' shit, either because they couldn't get fuckin' laid, or because they have fuckin' no one that loves them. I am all of the above, lmao. I was targeting three females today for Valentines day relief. The first, was Kassi of course, went over to her house because she invited me over earlier, I knew in the back of my head, though, that it wouldn't happen. Blah. Maggi.... tryin' to get her over here right now actually... but like... she is either ignoring my phone calls purposely, or she's sleeping.... or working out... or something... but I want her here, because stupid fuckin' gay ass people were here earlier cock blocking me!! Third, well, Juggamo. Not like she's bottom of the totem pole, or anything like that, it just so happened to be in this order that I would have met them today... but sadly enough, she left when cock blockers were still here.... gay. That's my valentines day. That's my fucking adventure for this fucked up holiday that makes everyone pissed. Now fuck all you happy cunt ass whores, fuck you and die, bitches.........I'ma go smoke weed.
P.S. I powerbombed Kassi.
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